I'm very careful when I pack my backpack in the morning. Living so far from campus, I always want to make certain that I don't forget something, because there is no way I will have the time to go back and get it.
I remember my keys, my iPad, my textbook for that one class. I make sure I have enough pens, that my water bottle is filled, and that I have my latest assignment before going out the door. And I never forget my demons.
It's not that I want to bring them along; it's just that I can't seems to get through the day without them popping up somewhere.
I have a friend who I walk to school with. He's pretty quiet, and doesn't usually say much until I talk first. He's willing to talk. I just have to make the first move.
On our walks, though, we don't usually talk. It's nice to have time to be quiet, just to think for a little bit. I know my companion be there if I need help.
He can see in my face that my backpack is heavy, but He doesn't comment. He knows I'm proud; that I want to carry it myself. I don't think I need any help. The demons crawl around, making more fuss than usual. I simply shake my head and keep walking. They've been more lively than usual for the last few months. I haven't been meaning to feed them; they just pick up stuff.
The next day, my backpack seems heavier than before. I mention this to my companion, just for the quiet conversation.
He says, "You know, it would easier if you let me help with that."
"I know." I shrug, "but I'm pretty sure I can handle it myself. I don't want to bug you."
His eyes show the hurt. "I want to help you."
"If it gets too hard, I'll ask for your help. But doing it myself makes me stronger. I know I will be able to handle heavier things if I can do this by my self." The demons scrabble angrily in my backpack, but I push them to the back of my mind. If I can ignore them, it's like they aren't there.
My companion nods, and we don't talk for the rest of the day.
For the next week or so, my companion and I don't talk very much. We exchange pleasantries, polite nothing's, because I am too busy trying to handle my demons to say anything meaningful. My companion seems to drift away, but I will reach out after I finish dealing with my demons.
My backpack gets heavier as the days wear on. I walk to school slower and slower, my companion slowing pace to walk beside me.
Today, I couldn't walk anymore. I dropped to my knees, demons bursting from my backpack to scrabble around my shoulders, screeching in my ears and sitting on my chest. I can't breathe. I can't ask for help. I'm stronger than this. But I can't breathe.
"Help," I whisper, the words barely passing my lips before they transform into a sob. I'm sure He can't hear me. The demons are too loud. There is too much.
But He hears me. Within an instant, he has swept the demons into His bag. The silence is deafening. I can hear the demons protesting from His bag, but He simply shoulders it and reaches up to help me off the ground.
"It's okay," He puts His arm around my shoulders. "I've got this one. You can go on now."
My Savior walks me to school, arm around my shoulder and carrying my demons. All I have to do is let Him.
So, recently I noticed that my dear fiend Kaitlin tagged me to answer these question thingys. So I will, because I think this is a great idea!
1. Favorite literary device and why?
This is a cruel, cruel question to give an English major. It's like asking me to choose a favorite hour. Or a favorite appendage. Or a favorite child, figuratively of course. I don't have children.
After reading The Book Thief, I quite like synecdoche. Other than the fact that very few people know how to spell/pronounce it (Seriously. It took me ten minutes to look up the right spelling, and the spellcheck wants me to change it to 'Indochinese.' I'm not even joking.) It adds more emotion, being able to use multiple sense to describe one thing.
2. Current Favorite Band?
Muse, My Chemical Romance, Linkin Park, The Script, The Wanted, One Direction, Chameleon Circuit, Keane, Within Temptation, Green Day, The Beatles, Celtic Woman, Busted, Allstar Weekend, Hot Cehlle Rae, Aqua...
Should I go on?
3. Where do you want to be right now?
Honestly, wherever the Lord wants me.
4.What are you most looking forward to in the near future?
CHRISTMAS. Of course. Seriously, I am the type of person who starts counting down to Christmas in October, wants to hang up Christmas decorations as soon as Halloween is over, listens to Christmas music constantly until the blessed day, and cries when I have to put the Christmas tree away before New Year's.
5.Current favorite book and why?
I just barely finished Midnight in Austenland by Shannon Hale, which turned out to be way better than I thought it would be.
Flailing in your bed because you are so excited about the book good. I won't say it is my favorite because, as previously mentioned, I don't like that word, but yes, I really liked this book.
6. Do you prefer berries or stone fruit, like blueberries or peaches?
Absolutely berries.
7.What's frustrating you most right now?
I know this sounds totally cliche, but boys. Actually, a few boys in particular. They are just hard to read and confusing. I wish I could even come close to understanding them. Also, I haven't been asked on a date since sophomore year of high school. That's a little frustrating.
8. Favorite television show and why?
Oh. Dear. The best way I know to explain this is with a story...
Once upon a time, there was a girl. Let's call her Sarah, by pure coincidence. One day she walked in on her father watching this show with a bald man and a blonde girl. After watching for a few minutes, not wanted to offend her father, the girl left the room so she could go tell her mother how cheesy the show was and how her father was totally silly for watching it. A few weeks later, she walked in on her father watching the same show, but with a different man. A fairly attractive man. She sat down to watch the show and found that yes, it was totally cheesy, but she enjoyed it. Her father, now beginning to lose interest in the show, watched a few more episodes with his daughter, than allowed her to watch the rest of the series on her own.
Which turned out to be good when she came to the end of the series. What this girl saw changed the way she looked at stories and television for the rest of her life. The ending of the story was right, but it wasn't happy. She was never sure if she cried at the end because it was so sad or so beautiful. But she couldn't make it through without trying. Although it was truly a silly television show, it showed her a better way of living.
I know I've complained about the newest seasons of Doctor Who, but I don't think anything can take me away from the emotions and, yes, spirituality I got from that show.
Deep breath. I got emotional about that.
9. Why is so good to love stories and things that don't technically exist? (It's as if Kaitlin knew what would be going through my mind while I wrote this post! O_o)
In my opinion, there are a couple reasons for this.
1. We all live in our own little universes. As hard as we try, we can never truly understand what goes on inside someone else. We never quite realize that they feel the entire depth of emotion that we do, that they are just as complex and tangled as we are.
Everyone walks around with a totally different universe inside their heads. Stories are the closest we ever get to stepping inside the same universe as someone else.
2. Stories are what keep us human. Personally, I think any depth of feeling is a good thing, because it keeps us from becoming completely numb in a world of disconnection. Stories show us what there is to love, or hate about the world. Stories communicate feelings better than words.
If you can't let yourself feel for anything, you will never be strong enough to feel for something.To me, someone who feels emotions deeply, fiercely, keenly, is someone who I admire. Someone who has great strength.
3. Perhaps someone else said this better than I did, about the stories that really matter.
10. What were you doing before answering these questions on your blog?
Watching The R.M. and eating chicken noodle soup. Before that I was at ward choir and...yeah, nevermind :)
11. Favorite poem?
Wow. You just like to be mean to me, don't you? ;) Here's a list of a bunch of my favorites, right now.
"Dulce et Dercom Est"
"The Road Less Traveled"
"The Fellowship of the Unashamed" (more prose than poem, but my mission statement)
"My Mistress' eyes.."
"Harlem"
"A book is like a frigate"
and so many others that I can't think of right now.
I would like to give this award to BREANNA!!!!! Because I want to hear her answers.
You can find her here: http://dancingthroughlifebz.blogspot.com/
And her questions are....
1. If you could write one episode for any television show, what would be the show and what would the episode be about?
2. Penguins or anteaters? This is a serious question.
3. What is one recipe you have always wanted to try?
4. What would you most hate majoring in?
5. Least favorite piece of furniture?
6. Favorite Harry Potter character excluding Snape?
7. What is your favorite quote?
8. Is it better to have seen cried and learned from it, or to have avoided that heartache at all?
9. Which celebrity would you like to go to the zoo with?
10. What would be the ideal ringtones for your top 5 contacts in your phone?
